gurabad | 037 » on and on we carry through the fear

[ Withdrawing when Francel sits up, Zephirin's hand leaves the boy's hair and comes to rest beside its counterpart on Zephirin's knees. Zephirin's eyes trace the forlorn curve of Francel's mouth.

Having met Aucheforne, he's not especially taken aback by the boy's question, though the amusement fades from his expression. ]

I wouldn't claim to be remarkably nice. [ Granted, Francel is the first student he has taken under his wing to this extent, but it doesn't inconvenience him to treat the boy well. It isn't some great act of kindness. ] But I'm curious — should I expect you to work for it?

[francel shakes his head. he keeps his head bowed, perhaps because he is still hoping for zephirin's hand to pet him once more, but he stays subservient and quiet, oddly determined to ascertain the truth behind this odd relationship they have nurtured together.]

Each time I think you might be angry with me, you're not...

[this is unsurprising. given aucheforne's propensity for lashing out, francel must expect punishment for even the most minor of offenses.]

If there is anything I could do to repay you, I would be happy to. I would.

[ Zephirin's hands remain on the professor's side of the bench; he shifts in his seat slightly, leaning back and folding his arms. Thankfully, rather than giving the impression that Francel has tested his patience after all, it simply lends him a pensive air.

He could tell Francel that the boy hasn't done a single thing to warrant his anger, that Francel owes him nothing, but it's doubtful that even repeated reassurances would silence the boy's insecurities. Aucheforne's behaviour became Francel's norm, and Zephirin's is unusual by comparison.

Eventually, Zephirin settles on a compromise, naming terms intended to satisfy Francel's need to repay him for what he would consider basic decency. ]

To my knowledge, you've been nothing but a punctual student and a courteous new roommate. [ A so-called bad child by Francel's standards at Emmanellain's party, perhaps, but not in any truly exasperating way. ] Nevertheless, I would accept cookies and omelettes.

[ Both seem to play to the boy's strengths, and bring him a measure of enjoyment. ]

Cookies and omelettes...?

[bewildered, francel simply gapes at zephirin for a moment — then, once it sinks in that the professor is being completely serious, he breaks into blessedly genuine laughter.]

Is that really all you'd ask? But I'm not nearly as talented as Janlenoux...

[the boy's hands curl into timid fists upon his thighs as he tips his head to one side and smiles shyly.]

Well... alright. I'll try to cook for you. I'll make you whatever you want — just let me know!

[this eagerness to please is no doubt precisely how francel found himself in the position of having a man like aucheforne for a partner to begin with...]

They were delicious, but we may have the ingredients to experiment with other dishes.

[ Once more, Zephirin vaguely resembles a pleased cat as he rises from the bench and picks up his belongings. It's not that he plans to take advantage of Francel, his heart set on either cookies or omelettes, but the boy was in high spirits earlier this morning, making himself at home in Zephirin's kitchen. ]

As you're awake, shall we head home?

Mm, sure...

[nodding obediently, francel rises to his feet even as his mind lingers on the sudden thought that zephirin must have carried him to the apartment last evening.

one thing, at least, has escaped aucheforne's possessive grip around francel: the boy's mischievous streak strikes once more as he fixes zephirin with an adoring — but knowing — smirk.]

Will you pet me more once we're home?

[ Francel is neither Zephirin's pet rabbit nor his son, but much like the previous times, Zephirin doesn't discourage the boy's playfulness. It points to Francel relaxing around him, forgetting his anxieties for a time. ]

I'll wait until you're in bed.

[ Aware that there are several ways to take this response, most of them dubious, Zephirin nonetheless answers without missing a beat, as though making Francel a serious promise. The innocent interpretation, of course, is that Francel would be free to fall asleep for the night then.

At the apartment, once the groceries are put away, the kitchen cupboards and the fridge well stocked for any future cooking experiments, Zephirin finally gives Francel access to his organized closet, clearing some space within for the boy's trunk of belongings. While they lack the furniture to set up a second bedroom, sharing Zephirin's is their best solution.

He stops partway through rearranging his closet's contents, however, glancing at Francel when the boy's phone evidently receives a flood of texts in quick succession. The sender is none other than Emmanellain, who presses for the details of Francel's disappearance last night, somehow convinced that an abduction took place right under everyone's noses. ]

[without warning, francel's phone buzzes with a constant stream of text messages, so much so that francel takes the preventative measure of silencing it before he turns on the screen to see what the matter is. at first glance, a string of irritating texts from emmanellain seems normal enough — but, upon closer inspection, something appears to be out of the ordinary. emmanellain isn't texting francel about cute girls or future party plans — instead, he seems somehow convinced that something terrible has befallen the boy next door.

what?
i'm fine
i've been with zephirin, nothing's wrong

in an effort to dissuade emmanellain's fears, francel takes a picture of the rolling trunk that civerege packed for him. i brought my things, he texts back.]

Edited 2018-05-22 22:52 (UTC)

[ Nothing suggests that the barrage of messages came from Aucheforne, whose number Francel has most likely blocked by now, but Zephirin holds himself oddly on his guard as the boy taps out his reply. Although he can't read the exchange, and has no intention of doing so, his gaze rests on Francel, watchful. ]

Do you need to make a call? If so, I'll leave the room.

[ After Francel sends his message, its recipient only seems spurred on to fill up his inbox with renewed urgency; Emmanellain believes himself on the trail of something decidedly wrong.

well, that's what i told aucheforne, but he's sure there's more to it
i mean, i for one thought zephirin seemed ok, quiet but upstanding and all
still, didn't you just meet the guy? ]

No... no, it's fine, I...

[whatever is happening, it is clearly not fine, as francel trails off without finishing his sentence and starts in on a fresh flurry of texts. his small mouth curls into a frown as he leans on the back of a nearby chair.]

what is aucheforne saying?
don't believe anything he tells you
he's not who i thought he was

[ Francel has his hands full with his conversation, and a second conversation to carry on aloud puts him on the spot, even to the point of trapping him in an interrogation on all sides while the incoming texts show no sign of stopping. Seemingly turning back to the closet, Zephirin says nothing more. He listens for the sound of Francel's fingers tapping against his phone's screen, a slight frown on his own features.

Emmanellain's reply follows Francel's before long. ]

really? he sounded pretty worried, old boy
about you vanishing with zephirin all of a sudden, that is
he said he was getting some stalker vibes from zeph, plus you were drunk
and you know there are all those stories about teachers and professors etc getting caught with students

how could he be a stalker when you yourself said that i just met him?
i did leave with him but i wasn't that drunk
nothing happened

[frustrated, francel tosses his phone on the bed, where it bounces lightly against the mattress and continues to light up with emmanellain's replies. he directs his attentions towards zephirin once more.]

...Sorry. Emmanellain's just... being himself. He said... Aucheforne's been saying things.

[ The phone lands quietly, but Zephirin turns his head over his shoulder as if on cue, his task postponed in favour of addressing Aucheforne's relentless presence in Francel's life. For a moment, Zephirin's eyes narrow, though his tone betrays only a fraction of his distaste for Francel's ex-boyfriend. ]

About you? I assume he had no luck with Civerege, but sees Emmanellain as open to giving him the benefit of the doubt.

[ Slipping his hand inside his pocket, Zephirin retrieves his phone. ]

If need be, we have yesterday's recording.

[looking fairly distraught in spite of his attempt to maintain an indifferent, even angry tone, francel shakes his head and takes a seat on the edge of the mattress, hunched over with his elbows on his knees.]

I didn't think he would go this far... Emmanellain is one thing, but if he starts pestering Aurvael or Laniaitte...

[he shakes his head.]

It's... it's not about me. He's been... slandering you. Like he told Emm he thinks you're some kind of stalker or something...

[frustrated, francel runs a hand through his hair, staring resolutely at his feet. miserably, his voice trembling, he mumbles:]

...I didn't mean to get you involved in this...

[ Zephirin's brows twitch upward ever so slightly before they lower, and his mouth thins. At this rate, Aucheforne himself might take his pestering still further until it turns dangerous, stalking Francel, cornering him as he did outside the Fortemps home. His slandering Zephirin in petty revenge will quickly hit a dead end, but Francel could come to harm.

Approaching the bed, Zephirin sits down beside the boy, his phone held in his lap. ]

It was my decision to get involved, [ he reminds Francel, calmly enough. ] I'm not concerned — he has no proof and no one to support his claims. That said, with your consent, I'll speak with your family and show them the recording.

...I...

[now zephirin has hit upon it — the thing francel is truly afraid of. all talk of closets has never been the issue; he isn't afraid of his parents or his siblings finding out about his sexual preferences. even the fact that he loved haurchefant is no big secret.

what francel is truly afraid of is that his family will finally know what kind of man he is — weak, fragile, abused. a stupid boy who got himself into in a stupid relationship, and let it go on for far longer than he should have. an idiot who let aucheforne slap him around and do whatever he wanted, all because he was too afraid that no one would ever love him again.

sometimes that still seems like it might be true.

tensed on the edge of the bed, francel cannot stop his voice from shaking — nor can he suppress the sob that rises to his chest as it slowly starts to sink in that he isn't going to be able to get out of this situation by running away.]

...I don't want... them to know that I — that I l-let him hurt me or that — that he was... he was...!

[ Last night's recording is an insight into Aucheforne's behaviour, reflecting poorly on him alone, but it's too soon to reason with Francel, when Zephirin knows too little of the boy's family to reassure him out of his feelings of shame. The phone disappears from view, pocketed once more. Nearby atop the mattress, Francel's is no longer inundated with Emmanellain's messages — nor do Francel's siblings take over the well-meaning interrogation and urge Francel to come home.

One gesture seems a temporary remedy for Francel's mounting distress, a way to ground him: Zephirin's hand reaches out, palm passing across the crown of Francel's head. In a sense, the boy is in bed, and Zephirin has fulfilled the promise he made, albeit jokingly, to pet him again. ]

...I won't approach them on your behalf unless I have your permission, but should Aucheforne's "pestering" continue, I ask that you tell me or bring it to Civerege's attention.

[at the touch to his head, francel looks up. his eyes are full with tears; they catch the light, clear and glossy, threatening to spill over his round cheeks. his shoulders quiver as he suppresses another sob.]

...I don't want anyone to know...

[hiccuping, the boy lowers his gaze; when his tears start to roll down his face at last, he brings his sleeve to his eyes, gently wiping his sorrows away.]

...I didn't even want you to know.

[ Francel's woolen sweater, though thick and soft, wasn't designed to substitute for a handkerchief, but Zephirin has no tissues on hand to offer this time. Silent for the moment, he moves to intercept Francel's arm instead, before the boy's sleeve grows damp with his tears. His fingertips touch Francel's wrist, and then Francel's cheek. His thumb swipes across the tracks glistening on the boy's skin. ]

[the forgiving touch of zephirin's hands, of his patient thumb — all this is too much, and this loving treatment too good for francel. he doesn't deserve this. he has done nothing to deserve this — he has made problems for his family — he has taken advantage, again and again, of the infinite kindness of the man before him. and he cannot stop himself from crying, now that he has started, and all of this is so absurd, and he should have never been in this situation from the start, but he doesn't deserve to be happy, he doesn't deserve to have anyone be so gentle with him, not zephirin, not civerege, not haurchefant, not anybody —]

I'm sorry... I'm so, so sorry...

[shaking and sniffling, the boy seems to believe himself somehow irredeemable, broken beyond repair.]

[ Once more, Zephirin elects not to hush Francel by talking over him, not even with words meant to comfort the boy. Francel will calm down to hear other opinions when his crying has run its course — until then, he can barely muster his broken apologies, and Zephirin's fingers can't stem the flow of his tears.

Someone like Janlenoux might have chosen a different, warmer approach. Zephirin keeps his eyes fixed on Francel's tear-streaked features, but ceases his efforts to dry them, far less absorbent than a handkerchief himself. Slowly, he smooths his hand over the boy's hair a second time. ]

[this infinite patience, this silent touch, is nearly too much for francel's already-fragile heart. he hates this, he knows he is unworthy — or at least, aucheforne has convinced him of his unworthiness — but even so, he longs for zephirin's touch, longs to be held and comforted and told that it wasn't his fault...]

...Zephirin...

[through thick, throaty sobs, francel leans forward, resting his wet cheek tentatively upon zephirin's shoulder. the bedframe creaks beneath him, but the university professor smells faintly sweet, like laundered clothing. slowly, francel's sobs begin to subside.]

I'm sorry... I'm really sorry. I'll make it up to you. Anything you want, I...

[ Again and again, Francel is too quick to promise anything in repayment for every inconvenience that the boy imagines he has inflicted upon his tutor — to Francel's mind, no doubt, he himself is the root problem, at fault for angering Aucheforne. Perhaps he would benefit from seeing a therapist, someone better equipped to help him break free of Aucheforne's lingering influence, but that conversation is one for another day. While the boy seeks comfort, tears trickling onto Zephirin's shirt, Zephirin takes care not to give him any reason to misinterpret the suggestion as a hint to stop being a so-called bother. Unlike his fingers, his shirt makes a passable handkerchief.

The professor's hand stays atop Francel's head, cradling it as though they are father and son, despite the negligible age difference between them. Finally, as Francel's sobbing gradually quiets, Zephirin breaks his silence: ]

Then, above all, I'd like to ask you not to blame yourself.

[cradled in zephirin's embrace, in his freshly laundered shirt, francel eventually stills; the weight of his body grows heavier. he takes several deep breaths.]

...Okay. [the boy whispers, pulling himself into a more or less upright position.] I'll try.

[i'll try, he says, which is at least a promise of some effort, and suddenly, francel's tangled emotions seem pulled into a relatively straight — if still somewhat knotted — length of cord. he feels ashamed of himself. that was stupid. a college undergrad and a full-grown man, crying into his professor's shoulder. that was absurd.

he has to bite his tongue to keep from saying i'm sorry again.

despite the fact that he switched it off, francel's cellphone buzzes violently against the mattress only a moment later. reflexively, and with a touch of alarm, francel reaches for it — but zephirin's phone is buzzing too. it's only an emergency alert from the temple knights, something about a missing child, but the alert is for a different neighborhood, and neither francel nor zephirin have seen any young girls matching this description. he puts his phone away.]

...I'll try to sort things out with Emmanellain and the others on my own... on my own time.

Edited 2018-06-26 01:51 (UTC)

Very well.

[ Now that Francel is calmer, placing some distance between himself and his professor, Zephirin draws back in kind to stand, returning to the closet. He has his misgivings about Francel's decision — self-blame still drives it, he suspects — but the boy has made it of his own will. ]

While I would prefer that you permit my involvement, you're free to refuse.

[ Closet space cleared, Zephirin turns to leave the bedroom for the kitchen, though he pauses in the doorway, casting Francel a final glance. ]

...Take your time settling in. [ Presumably the boy would like a shower, time to himself to recover from his bout of crying. ] When you've finished, we'll see to preparing lunch.

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