gurabad | 037 » on and on we carry through the fear

[francel nods, though there is a blankness to his gaze; the squeeze to his shoulders, at least, helps anchor him. suddenly, he remembers emmanellain, and catches the young man's gaze when he looks up.]

...Thank you, Emmanellain. Sorry, I... I'm not feeling well. Let's talk... some other time.

[his eyes drop to the floor once more. forlornly, francel tugs at the hem of zephirin's shirt, though he does not meet the man's gaze. he seems a child trying to get his father's attention despite being fearful of the repercussions of doing so.]

Could we... go?

[home does not leave francel's lips, but it is implied by his mournful eyes.]

[ Though Emmanellain eyes Francel dubiously, he doesn't insist on concrete plans to talk, perhaps conceding that giving Francel some space and trusting Zephirin to handle the rest is the best thing to do. "Right... Right, some other time, old boy."

Outside, reasoning that Francel might welcome the contact, Zephirin takes the boy's hand again, letting go of him only when they reach the car. There, he opens the passenger's side door for Francel, but lingers before it instead of making for the driver's seat.

Leaning closer after a moment, the professor lays his hand upon the crown of Francel's head, as if to remind him of their visit to the park. ]

[zephirin has remembered the promised petting, it seems — francel's delightfully spoiled demand from what now seems like a lifetime ago — and the boy finds his lips curving into a smile despite himself. contact succeeds where words do not: this gentle touch serves to remind him that even this heartbreak is only temporary — that given time, aucheforne's words will fail to hurt him, and someday, he will be just as innocent, just as playful as before.

for a moment, francel does not feel tainted — inexplicably dirty, used, thrown away. for a moment, he feels wanted. insecurity claws at his insides nevertheless; cruelly, he reminds himself that zephirin is only a professor who is concerned for him, a man who has let him grown too close, and in his heart of hearts he knows that he should not idolize zephirin as another savior, that this is the outcome of the way he idolized haurchefant so many years ago. but still —

still, for a moment, francel does not have to feel unclean. his voice is thick with emotion when he quietly chokes out:]

...Thank you, Zephirin.

[ Zephirin has another promise to keep, and soon he will fulfill it, taking Francel home, but his hand remains placed atop Francel's head a moment longer, passing across the boy's hair. From there, that hand moves downward, palm resting upon Francel's shoulder blade.

This time, the gesture borders on a half-embrace. It assures Francel once more that today, he made the right decision to contact Zephirin, to stand up to Aucheforne. He did well.

And at last, though it will take time for the boy to break free of his thought patterns, it seems that these reassurances have made it through, reaching Francel. ]

Shall we go home?

[francel nods with improbable earnestness — it is as though he absolutely cannot wait to go home. in reality, however, he simply isn't certain he'll be able to stand any more contact without bursting into tears. he bites his lip, blinking too much, too quickly. anxiously, he swallows on the lump in his throat.]

Yes, please. Let's go home...

[the ride home is quiet. not because of any unwillingness on francel's part to speak — no, the boy drifts off to sleep by the time zephirin's care has paused at its third red light, perhaps because the day's events have exhausted him so thoroughly that his mind simply needs to rest.

fortunately, francel's dreams are unplagued by memories of aucheforne. the sudden silencing of the car's engine startles him awake; as he rubs his eyes, waking from his slumber, he has the distinct feeling that he dreamt about being a tender lamb in a rolling field of grass, with a zephi-ram calmly grazing by his side.]

...Zephi? Are we home?

[in his dream, he called zephirin by an affectionate nickname...]

[ Francel stirs just as Zephirin faces two choices: wake the boy, despite Francel's obvious exhaustion, or carry him to the apartment. The latter was no trouble the first time, and Zephirin would have preferred to let Francel rest, but he sits up, drawing back from leaning across the car seats. His hands settle at his sides. ]

We're almost home.

[ The professor's mouth twitches slightly — he recalls another nickname recently given to him. ]

Have you decided against "Zephinyan"?

Mmmm...

[sitting up ever so slightly in his seat, francel finishes rubbing the sleep from his eyes, blinking blearily as his vision clears to focus on the car dashboard. he doesn't seem entirely awake.]

Today you were a Zephiram. [he giggles.] With big horns... soooo fluffy. But a Zephinyan would be cute too — you'd be an enormous cat...

[aucheforne has left the forefront of francel's mind, it seems — at the moment, his empty head is filled only with thoughts of what zephirin would be like as an animal.]

[ Francel seems happier for resting — and dreaming of his tutor as a sheep. Allowing the boy to wake fully from the vestiges of his dream at his own pace, Zephirin plays along, angling his hands atop his head like another pair of ears. ]

Meow.

[ Perhaps a future dream might indeed feature a solemn Zephinyan. ]

I'm flattered, then. Were you a rabbit after all?

[for a moment, francel blatantly ignores this question — so charmed is he by the sight of professor zephirin de valhourdin imitating a cat that he just has to stop and stare with wondrous joy. zephinyan... zephinyan is so cute...

once he has imprinted this vision into the deepest recesses of his heart, francel seizes upon a sudden impulse — he rests his hand upon the crown of zephirin's head, right between his "ears." slowly and gently, he rubs zephirin's scalp with his fingers.]

Here, kitty, kitty...

[he should really get out of the car...]

[ Francel's returning rare playfulness is a leap forward, away from his fears of inconveniencing Zephirin, and even from Aucheforne's influence. No one has given Zephirin a pat on the head in years, of course, and the professor has nothing in common with a cute kitten, but he continues his best impression of a cat receptive to Francel's touch, encouraging the boy to forget the world outside this car, at least for a time.

He finds himself curious to see how far Francel will take playing with "Zephinyan."

Closing his eyes in apparent bliss, Zephirin leans into Francel's palm. He rests one hand over the boy's knuckles, and tips his head back to nuzzle Francel's wrist. ]

[in truth, francel is well on his way to wakefulness now — indeed, he can no longer even pretend that he is still captivated by the remnants of his dream — but the prospect of having a zephinyan to play with is rich with possibilities, and francel continues to push the scenario. with a soft teakettle whistle from deep within his throat, he continues rubbing zephirin as if the man is a cat, looking entirely too pleased with himself.]

Mmm, so cute! Who's a good kitty? You are! You are! Will you be happy if I feed you tuna?

[he giggles, though his mind wanders towards the happy hours they spent in the kitchen together.]

...Or maybe we can make clam chowder for dinner? That'd make you more happy than tuna, wouldn't it, Zephinyan?

[ If Zephirin were a real cat, he would undoubtedly be purring by now, sniffing Francel's fingertips in anticipation for his treat, but he keeps his rendition of feline mannerisms to brushing his nose against Francel's pulse, humming a thoughtful sound in lieu of a true meow. Lips quirking subtly, he sits back in his seat to catch Francel's cheerier expression.

The boy's Zephinyan certainly looks approving, in turn. ]

I believe we have most of the ingredients at the apartment... I'll take care of the rest once we've started, if need be.

I'm prepared to do my part...

[breaking into a fresh smile, francel strokes zephirin's hair one last time before he lets his hands drop. then, after a pause, he half-lifts one hand — as if for zephirin to take it and lead him into the house, or else perhaps so that zephirin can kiss the back of his palm, the way a knight from a fairy tale might greet a wayward prince.]

...But today, I want to make Zephinyan happy. So let's cook together. And eat together. And go to bed together, too. As long as you're happy...

[in the days to come, civerege calls twice to inform francel that aucheforne has stopped attempting to visit the haillenarte residence, but he doesn't ask francel to come home. perhaps it is wasteful, in a way, to leave francel's room empty while he cohabitates with a college professor in a comparatively cramped apartment — but the boy seems happier in the company of a friend, and so much less lonely than when his only household company is a caretaker who can only visit three days out of the week. and civerege has other things to worry about. it's not his place to question where his employer's son stays the night.

besides, francel and zephirin have carved out a rather peaceful life together. as roommates, they pass the days without the sort of passive-aggressivism that occasionally characterizes adelphel's relationship with janlenoux; as tutor and pupil, they have little to clash over. francel remains the bright student he always was, quick to take zephirin's pointers — his primary flaw is a mere lack of confidence. now and then, he asks zephirin for help with his assignments, but he doesn't particularly seem to need it, and he spends most of their sessions staring and smiling at zephirin, nodding along.

whether or not francel sees zephirin as a father figure or an older brother or something more seems unclear. he speaks no more of his adorable zephinyan. but every now and then, he looks at the man with such obvious joy and adoration that it must be plain to all and sundry that zephirin has banished the spectre of aucheforne — perhaps even taken the place of haurchefant in his heart.

he looks at zephirin this way now, as he sits in their single armchair (they have yet to buy additional furniture for francel's sake, and perhaps it isn't necessary to do so), wrapped snugly in a layer of blankets, and though he says nothing, one might easily imagine a halo of flowers blossoming round his head, as he once drunkenly envisioned so many nights ago.]

Edited 2018-10-09 02:33 (UTC)

[ With Aucheforne well and truly banished, Francel might be safe to return home, where he has his own room, his own bed, a closet full of space to himself, but neither he nor Zephirin speak of it. The boy has become a fixture in Zephirin's apartment — in Zephirin's life — and it seems the norm now to share that space. They cook and eat together. Each night, they go to bed together, rising together each morning. Francel rarely needs to take the bus to and from campus anymore.

Though he is free to come and go, to visit his family and friends, apparently he is content to spend even his spare time in Zephirin's company.

They've both finished their work for the evening, studying and seminar preparation alike, and Zephirin approaches Francel with a steaming cup of cocoa, proffering it to the boy bundled up in his blankets. Zephirin's own expression reflects a subtler shade of Francel's contentment; the professor's lips curve. ]

Shall I leave you to sleep here tonight?

[ After all, Francel looks too comfortable to move. ]

Noooo...

[francel voices his disagreement as a villain falls off a cliff in a cartoon — with an exaggerated elongation of his vowels and a childish, high-pitched voice. when he lifts his hands to claim zephirin’s steaming mug of cocoa, the blankets cling to his sleeves, giving him the appearance of some lagoon-creature, draped and dripping in soft cloth. he looks very comfortable indeed.]

It’s warmer next to you! Besides, I can’t stretch out like this.

[though the boy has a tendency to sleep with his knees bent, curled into a ball.]

[ Accustomed to waking to Francel either curled up beneath the covers, or clinging to his waist, Zephirin raises a brow at the boy's remark. He keeps up his teasing, head cocked as he perches on one armrest of Francel's seat. ]

Then what would you suggest that I do, in the event that you fall asleep?

[ Disturb the lagoon-creature's slumber? Peel Francel free from his cocoon and carry him to the bedroom? ]

Mmm....

[after lifting the mug to his lips and taking a careful sip, francel sets it on a nearby side table so that he can safely rest his head on zephirin's thigh without the risk of spilling any hot cocoa. after all, how could francel possibly resist the allure of zephirin's warm lap so close to his head?]

If I fall asleep, you can pick me up and carry me to bed. [he giggles.] Don't worry — if you wake me up, I'll just be happy to be in your arms.

[ Zephirin can't help but think that Civerege might urge Francel to come home, if he knew of the boy's exact living arrangements — if he had cause to suspect that Francel and his professor have grown too close. Lately, these affectionate moments come perhaps too readily, not only to Francel, and whether the boy looks to Zephirin as a father figure or an attentive older brother, or still thinks of his Zephinyan, his behaviour isn't discouraged. On the contrary, Zephirin's hand soon rests atop Francel's head, fingers combing through his hair once, twice, with undeniable fondness.

It wasn't long ago that they first met, but one might think that they were lovers, a couple together for months, even years. ]

I'll hold you to it. I may carry you to the bathroom for your toothbrush, however...

[francel pouts comically as zephirin expresses concern for his dental hygiene — he is, apparently, either offended that such a thing should even be questioned, or else offended that it should interrupt their loving embrace. sulking in so exaggerated a manner that it is plain his feelings were not actually hurt, he pushes his plush cheek against zephirin's fingers. evidently, he favors face rubs more so than the petting of his head, this evening.]

Only if you carry me back to bed after I brush my teeth. I have to be warm and comfy to fall asleep.

[he settles his head more firmly into zephirin's lap.]

You're the warmest and comfiest.

[hardly the sort of statement one makes to a mere professor from school.]

[ Indulging Francel's implicit request — demand? — Zephirin leaves his hand cradling the boy's cheek, near stroking it. Once again, all comparisons made between Francel and rabbits seem rather accurate, though resting his head in Zephirin's lap is the closest he can get to curling up there, loaf-shaped. ]

More so than your heap of blankets?

[ Zephirin's other hand creeps closer, toward said blankets, and plucks at one corner of the thick material. ]

You would be the first to say so.

Bed is comfier than blankets.

[the boy seems dangerously close to falling asleep in zephirin's lap, particularly as his breathing has slowed, and his voice has gotten softer. with a lazy, loving look in his eye, he blinks sleepily up at zephirin, all sweetness and light.]

You know, Zephirin, I... I feel really lucky to have met you. You've been so kind. After everything...

[ Apparently, it was no exaggeration to call Zephirin the warmest and comfiest, but despite his drowsiness, Francel is coherent, and his thoughts aren't drifting away to peaceful meadows and grazing sheep just yet. Zephirin searches the boy's sleepy expression — momentary concern drives it as he expects to find some memory of Aucheforne still plaguing Francel.

The hand cupping Francel's cheek moves its fingers slightly. ]

...You're welcome to continue to stay here.

[ A reminder, reassurance that Francel no longer needs, perhaps, or an admission that Zephirin is glad to have the company. ]

[francel smiles then, lifting his upper body so that he can press the plush pad of his cheek more firmly against zephirin's palm. his skin is smooth and curved as the surface of an apple. his eyes close once more. the world around them feels lovely and still.

when he speaks, however, his voice is timid, and soft — and even a touch apologetic.]

...Even if I might be in love with you?

[ Zephirin's hand stills. Silent for a moment in the wake of Francel's confession, he regards the boy, whose feelings could be a mild crush, nothing that won't pass. They could be less clear-cut.

Whatever the case, of course, Zephirin intends to tread with care, and it doesn't change his mind. Some part of him, that part now accustomed to Francel's presence, willingly encourages the boy to look to him as someone to rely on.

Stirring again, he traces the curve of Francel's cheekbone. His thumb trails toward the corner of the boy's mouth. ]

...Then you might find that I don't object to that, either.

[all this takes great courage on francel's part — it's hard to make a move on the man who has so generously given him shelter for all these weeks, even if some of his peers might argue that that makes all the more reason he should make a move. with a shy, furtive movement, he turns his head ever so slightly and kisses the pad of zephirin's thumb. there is a sorrowful glint to his eyes that suggests he is somehow begging, somehow groveling.]

...Are you sure? Because you... you deserve better than me. You'd be right to cast me out. I wish I could give you... what I used to be, but...

Edited 2018-12-03 05:30 (UTC)

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