![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
081 » i remember less and less and mostly things that i regret
[it goes like this:
on the eve of the wedding between the marquess cristiano harwood and the baroness josephine donadieu, things did not go as planned. the viscount elios durchdenwald abruptly collapsed during the reception, suffering some sort of stroke or heart attack. upon subsequent investigation, it was discovered that the wine glass in the man's hand had been poisoned — raising, of course, several questions.
who poisoned the viscount? was he the intended target of the attack? and how did the poison make its way into the wedding banquet when all guests were screened for dangerous materials?
now, the officers working the case are just ordinary men and women — the nobles are always trying to kill each other over one thing or another, so this isn't something that warrants the attention of the emperor or britannia's special forces. all the same, the ordinary officers uncover many things very quickly. for one thing, the viscount survived, but barely, and he is recovering in the hospital now. for another thing, the viscount was involved in a great many unspeakable acts, such as the rather barbaric treatment of the numbers in his jurisdiction — and while that's not technically illegal, the drug and sexual trafficking offenses he has committed and which have now been brought to light will certainly have to be prosecuted.
case closed, some might say. the poisoning of viscount durchdenwald was not a matter which would warrant the attention of earl kanon maldini, at first. he had better things to do — other issues to investigate, other duties which would better serve the needs of the prince to whom he is sworn. but then, as the official investigation floundered and its many leads grew cold, came the thought:
members of the royal family are not subject to the same screening procedures as guests.]
on the eve of the wedding between the marquess cristiano harwood and the baroness josephine donadieu, things did not go as planned. the viscount elios durchdenwald abruptly collapsed during the reception, suffering some sort of stroke or heart attack. upon subsequent investigation, it was discovered that the wine glass in the man's hand had been poisoned — raising, of course, several questions.
who poisoned the viscount? was he the intended target of the attack? and how did the poison make its way into the wedding banquet when all guests were screened for dangerous materials?
now, the officers working the case are just ordinary men and women — the nobles are always trying to kill each other over one thing or another, so this isn't something that warrants the attention of the emperor or britannia's special forces. all the same, the ordinary officers uncover many things very quickly. for one thing, the viscount survived, but barely, and he is recovering in the hospital now. for another thing, the viscount was involved in a great many unspeakable acts, such as the rather barbaric treatment of the numbers in his jurisdiction — and while that's not technically illegal, the drug and sexual trafficking offenses he has committed and which have now been brought to light will certainly have to be prosecuted.
case closed, some might say. the poisoning of viscount durchdenwald was not a matter which would warrant the attention of earl kanon maldini, at first. he had better things to do — other issues to investigate, other duties which would better serve the needs of the prince to whom he is sworn. but then, as the official investigation floundered and its many leads grew cold, came the thought:
members of the royal family are not subject to the same screening procedures as guests.]
no subject
[ But by all means, preempt every one of Lelouch's hangups— that he is mortal and fallible, that he doesn't stand at the position to ascend any further but fall to depths lower than hell, a prince of an empty title and emptier influence as far as the political schema is concerned. One more drop into the endless bucket of iniquity. And more tinder for the fire, when Lelouch likens himself to the kerosene waiting for a lit wick of a match to set everything ablaze.
At least in this lifetime, he's allowed to be indubitably selfish for Nunnally's sake. She'd never approve: not of the murders he's laid out like a neat cemetery row, not his systematic destruction of the cog wheels that turn this absurd world so the machine known as the royal hierarchy will stop spinning for the benefit of the hopelessly corrupt. A hypocrite destroying fellow hypocrites. But he isn't acting with her approval in mind.
Where Kanon scoots the scrambled omelette about his plate like a carousel of carbohydrates, Lelouch cuts into his sunny-side egg like it's a form of bloodletting, the yellow oozing where the membrane splits right down the middle. The same way he'd like to split this conversation in two. (If I made an order, would you take me up on it? Or would you only continue to deny me?)
For a boy clowning around, Lelouch's smile is as grimly artificial as if it was painted on, his penchant for dramatics on an exponential incline. ]
Let me rephrase, then. Have you ever been in love?
no subject
the thing about kanon, however, is that kanon is much like schneizel — and the thing about both of them is that they aren't particularly concerned about the dead britannian nobles themselves. the dead britannian nobles are just one part of a larger game, a grand game of conquest and betrayal and manipulations, one which they are both very good at playing. and when someone offers the two of them a promising challenge, why, it seems only fair to give him time to get the pieces settled before they strike back.
in other words, if lelouch wants to add more graves to his cemetery while kanon sits eating his omelette whilst gauging his reactions on schneizel's behalf — well, that's fine.
that is what's wrong with britannia today, but kanon knows this. he just delights in it. he's human, but he's a monster, too.
and do monsters fall in love?]
I suppose that depends on one's definition of love. Is it devotion to another person? Is it the desire to sully one's hands for another person? Is it the willingness to put that other person before yourself, no matter the cost? Is it romantic desire? Is it sexual desire?
[a delicate sip of his tea, for romantic and sexual desire.]
I think I have been in love. But is it what you think of as love?
no subject
One thing is clear, though. ]
Then it's the same as self-sacrifice for you? [ Lelouch sips the tea. It's bitter, a taste he could liken to vitriol. The saccharinity doesn't come through in the drink or his voice. ] Personally, I don't see it as martyrdom.
[ What he's subjected onto those he loves isn't that kind or perverted. It's self-satisfaction. But for the sake of being amicable, he'll oblige Kanon's line of inquiry. ]
If you're asking seriously, my answer would be... 'something that swallows other people's desires or something you're swallowed up by'. [ So: an ouroboros. The snake that swallows itself infinitely, like this conversation, going around and around in circles. Setting the teacup down, Lelouch takes the first bite of the meal, then the second, then the third. Methodical and neat, displaying his capacity for avarice. At the fourth bite, he pauses, the fork an inch or so from his mouth. ] Does it matter whether that love is selfish or selfless? Regardless of what form it takes, it's a wish all the same.
[ And then Lelouch swallows it all down. ]
Does Schneizel know?
[ Vague. Vague, vague, vague. But he'll trust Kanon to interpret this question as he will, or ask for clarification, which, much like silence, is its own answer. ]
no subject
[a vague, vague answer for a vague, vague question. but, really, he'd better. much as it may seem to outward eyes as though kanon is a humble aide, slaving for the attentions of a prince who has never truly looked in his direction, kanon maldini is in fact not the sort of man who would act without receiving something in return.
for the first time, however, kanon seems to be genuinely interested in lelouch's philosophical queries. he's set his knife aside for the nonce, his omelette finished; there's a selection of breads and jams that he would like to work on next, but the young prince has captivated him, at least for the moment.]
So you believe selfish love is just as valid as selfless love? Best keep those impulses in check, Your Highness. Our great nation has laws against stalking, and I don't want sweet Milly to need a restraining order in the future.
[he smiles wryly, sipping at his tea; his voice turns softer, however, once he's closed his eyes.]
...But all jokes aside, I think I understand how you feel. I don't agree, but I understand how you feel.
[on one end, kanon embodies love as self-sacrifice, as martyrdom, as the willingness to lay down his life for schneizel's. on the other end, lelouch embodies love to the point of destruction, love that turns to mutual devastation. a burning wildfire, consuming everything in its path. again comes the thought that if kanon was not already beholden to schneizel's icy heart, he would have liked this, this fire.]
In a different life, I might have found it wonderful to be swallowed up by your desires.
no subject
[ Irrelevant to the bluntness in his retort is how deeply Lelouch's cheeks blotch a very deep, very vivid red when called out, fuming with color when his complexion typically resembles anemic on a good day. Pale and sallow like he'd only blister under direct sunlight. Remaining stiff-backed in the seat all the same is a premeditated act. Scrunch down and he'll lose the high ground to Kanon, and therefore Schneizel and the machinations that govern men who see fit to look down upon the world than live among its inhabitants. First and foremost, this is diplomacy.
The rest of his breakfast remains untouched; he's lost his appetite but not yet the spider's thread of the conversation that he yanks at now, like Kandata attempting the ascent to paradise from the depths of hell. Whenever the cord snaps will the civility between them snap as well. ]
It can be both, you know. A selfish mindset for selfless reasons. Or using generosity to compensate for a sore lacking in character... [ There are sides to Lelouch— impudent, vengeful, foolish— all of it practiced to comedic effect, but only as parts of a greater whole. He lacks the charismatic air of his older brother but he can identify longing when he sees it, given how furiously it dwells within himself, devouring him from the inside. The summation of all that unchecked desire in Lelouch doesn't have to be the same to be just as devastating. ] If Schneizel acknowledges it, then I fail to see why he wouldn't reciprocate it. ... But that isn't enough, is it? I don't envy your position.
[ The world's denied him so many times. That's the risk Lelouch takes in opening his heart and laying the contents bare now. He can't expect loyalty from Kanon. He can barely expect to come out of this exchange unscathed. But if Kanon is anything at all like Schneizel— if that cold keenness in him wasn't an act— then he can expect no retaliation as of yet. A slap on the wrist aside, a grandiose, all-consuming dream of revenge aside, Lelouch straightens in his seat, prideful. ]
... Since you understand how I feel, all I can ask is what you plan to do from here.
[ Will he be denied once more? ]
no subject
[there it is, the act again. either for legal or moral reasons, kanon appears unwilling to shed all pretense. but lelouch's assessment is correct: kanon has no plans, as of yet, for retaliation. he is merely seated across the table from lelouch, spreading butter on his toast.]
I like you a great deal, so I'll tell you this, Your Highness. I think that if you want to change the world... indeed, if you want to change this system, you could do it either by trying to seize the throne, or by working to change it from the inside out. But trying to destroy it without a clear plan for what you would put in its place is a fool's errand.
[scrape. scrape. serenely, kanon wipes his knife clean on the edge of his crust, and then his long lashes flick upward, framing the startling blue in his irises. like a panther bent over at a stream to drink, he looks up, suddenly, to spot prey across the water.]
Needless to say, His Highness Schneizel is also very fond of you. I'm sure, if you spoke with him, he might be able to set you on a more fulfilling course. Conquest starts one step at a time. You might be appointed viceroy of one of Britannia's Areas, for example. From there, your power and influence might grow.
[become part of the same loathsome system you would destroy. only a cog in the machine can change the machine.]
Ah, and... this is irrelevant, but His Highness is the Prime Minister of Britannia, as you well know. He has many duties, but one among them is to enforce the rule of law.
[that's a farce, given that schneizel himself frequently flouts the law, but that's not important at the moment.]
Were someone to be found guilty of committing vile, treasonous acts against the Crown, well... even a member of the royal family might not be able to escape extradition. Or prosecution. Or punishment.
[in other words: this, right now, this tea with kanon, the fact that he will be here for the next month or two — that is lelouch's slap on the wrist. and if he presses still further, there will be consequences.]
no subject
And Lelouch sits ill with the offense: crossing his legs, re-crossing his legs, soundly rebuked but not pliant to his various offenses as they're laid out. Under the purview of that stare, blue-blooded and blue-eyed too, tactful even when handling matters of deep and ugly tactlessness, he sets down his own butter knife. ]
I meant nothing of the sort, but if that's how you see it, I'll chalk it up to a loss and take the rebuke. It might be difficult to believe, but I want to avoid impinging any further on the Prime Minister's aid.
[ Aid and aide alike, the recitation of a truant student back in full form as he silently finishes the rest of his meal. The last thing to go is the tea, but the taste is poisoned by this conversation and his progress is unbearably slow. Small sips, big words. ]
Isn't it strange that Schneizel has never once turned me down for a game of chess, even when he's all but guaranteed to win? [ Nine times out of ten, the victory and spoils all go to his older brother. From the perspective of Kanon acting as Schneizel's shadow, ever-silent in his company, that governing constant is irresistible, carrying its own gravitational pull. ] One would expect boredom or ennui... he knows me all too well as an opponent, so why should he feel any inclination past a certain point? I'd retract the invitation myself if I thought he did so out of pity. I'm not expecting special treatment, nor do I want any favors.
[ Though favoritism can't be denied. In lieu of his death by firing squad he's pitted against Schneizel's loyal but surreptitiously polite bloodhound and inveigled with sweet talk, sweeter than the assorted candied desserts that sit about the table. ]
... I'm not refuting your point. I'd just like to understand why he appointed you to me, despite your previous engagement with him. Although the certifications run high, as far as I recall, Madame Alister isn't in short supply of potential stand-ins.
[ Rather than crushing every stillborn hope outright, Schneizel opts for the most intriguing choice available, and it's a point he'll contest Kanon on now: does he share that desire? And to what extent? ]
no subject
he doesn't quite answer lelouch's question, however. again, he seems to have taken the opportunity for more jokes. at least it's easy to see how he might keep schneizel entertained if nothing else.]
Perhaps he simply wanted us to become better-acquainted? Or maybe he's grown tired of the way I prepare his tea?
[feigning girlish shock, kanon mock-gasps, eyes wide with mirthful horror.]
What will I do if some other man has caught his eye?
[kill his rival, probably.]
no subject
First-degree murder is nothing to joke about.
[ Bracing the table's edge, he leans in.
For a moment, Kanon's words pull that fervor someplace deep inside. The implication of absolute control Schneizel leverages would prove instrumental to his every plan if only he could be cold enough to commit intimate murder as he might prepare tea. But Lelouch always ends up drinking what'll poison him, eventually. It shows in his face, mirthfulness presented as a mirror, reflecting the trespass back. ]
You wouldn't spare even me, Lord Maldini? [ The smile Lelouch has restrained thus far, as he sets it upon Kanon now, is completely worthy of condemnation. ] Terrifying. Remind me not to get on your bad side.
[ He's decided, then. Lelouch will do his damnedest to wrest his older brother's sword from him for the sake of Nunnally's wish. Grand miracles begin with small acts of calculation, such as the obliging downturn of his head as he visibly straightens. ]
Would you like to see the garden?
no subject
generally speaking, of course. from time to time, his prince advocates cultivating unrest as a necessary step toward conquest.
that being said, kanon is not without his own chaotic impulses, so he's inclined — somewhat rashly and dangerously — to follow this little lead of lelouch's wherever it leads. he doesn't rise from his chair quite yet, however, instead merely raising his brow in the young prince's direction as he takes another bite of his toast.]
And leave this lovely breakfast behind?
[he's joking, really. he doesn't care one way or another about breakfast — exemplified best by the fact that, of all the other delicious items in their breakfast spread, he chose bread and butter. the world's most modest fare. but it's funny, somehow, to keep pressing the joke, and keep playing the role of lelouch's patient manservant.]
I'll go with you, Your Highness, begging your permission to take this with me.
no subject
Madness incurring more madness. His immaturity understands no limit, fixing with a stare that bleeds violet, nothing like the blood-red flowers of his mother's garden save for the consistency. Just like them, he so very often wounds and is just as prone to wounding. His words are far too light and operatic for the heavy anvil that is sarcasm. ]
We'll be able to return, as per your needs. You're welcome to bring whatever you'd like along.
[ A butter knife, or a handgun, or the means with which to subdue Lelouch, who isn't very fit to begin with, can't defend himself against. At the risk of intimate murder himself, he's far too careless for this inherently vulnerability within himself to be anything less than intentional. ]
This way, if you would.
[ And Lelouch turns his back, overtly vulnerable, as he leads the good earl in the direction of the villa's neatly-maintained hedges and overly extravagant flower display. ]
no subject
as it is, however, lelouch is a hazardous material that kanon has been entrusted with disabling or disposing of, and he intends to do his job, even if he looks every inch the slacker as he walks through the royal gardens of aries palace with a piece of buttered toast in his mouth. munch munch. the knife strapped to his ankle and the gun beneath his arm are heavy against his body, familiar as the touch of his lover, but kanon doesn't think about using them as he follows the young prince deeper into the gardens. nothing appears to be a threat just yet.
that being said, what game is lelouch is playing now? he seems to have abandoned his philosophical questions, at least for the moment...]
Is there something you wanted to show me?
no subject
Roses surround them both as they come to the end of the cobbled path, flooding the whole pavilion. Empress Marianne's taste for flowers vivid and blood-like coming through, long after her death. And beyond that, hedges, walling them both in. By the fountain at the very center, Lelouch addresses Kanon, still munching his way through breakfast. ]
Kanon Maldini. Aide-de-camp to the second prince Schneizel el Britannia. A man ten years my senior, though he could just as easily pass off a two year age difference. Heir apparent to a conglomerate that specializes primarily in cosmetics. [ And even more. The illustrious titles Lord Maldini has procured over the years exceed this short list, not to speak anything of the opinion of the nobility, who gentrify themselves to saints in his pleasant, amicable company. ] A man who wants for nothing. ... Ah, pardon. Should want.
[ Lelouch turns on him, the gaze Kanon elicits from him so openly conniving that what he'll say next should be as plain as day. ]
We won't be overheard here. We weren't followed, either.
[ He steps close, uncomfortably close. Into Kanon's personal space, as if it's the invitation of a loving embrace that awaits him and not the knife and the gun and the artful, countless ways Lelouch can be killed over the span of a couple seconds. ]
Say I were to make an advance on you right now. Would you reject me? I doubt my brother would find offense with it, given the emptiness in his heart. If anything, he'd be amused by my attempt to seduce you and betray my engagement. [ Endeavoring so desperately as he does to defeat Kanon, Lelouch stands only an inch or so apart from him. He can't be his brother, so still and calm, unfazed by the idea of his own death. Lelouch can't let go of Nunnally, either. All he can wield control over right now is himself. ] But I won't convince you to look my way. I'm well aware I can't be the one for you.
[ His hair color alone likely counts him out as a potential suitor or lover. Lelouch— so impertinently, so rudely— gently pries the piece of bread out of Kanon's mouth, and takes a bite of it himself. Over the same spot Kanon's bitten through, munching awhile, then returns the slice to his de-facto babysitter and awaits retribution. ]
So I can only ask. What can I do to satisfy you, so your vengeance won't find me?
no subject
is this lelouch's weird way of asking him out? it would have been easier if we just made out, lelouch —...he is actually a little peckish, so he'll continue eating his piece of toast, though it is worth noting that he starts on a different corner of it than the one lelouch just took a bite out of.
being, for the moment, a royal retainer of sorts, kanon can't match lelouch for impertinence, but he will step out of bounds for just a moment to poke patiently at lelouch's soft cheek.]
First of all, Your Highness, I would invite you to consider your position more carefully. You mustn't offer your body to someone like me. I've no prejudice against sex work, but you weren't born to be a whore.
no subject
His cheek's poked. His gaze flares up with fervor, so akin to desperation, in light of new and troubling developments like how much pleasure Lelouch would derive from provoking his brother's aide in this courtship of animosity and respect. A man who should come at him not with brusque censure but a soft rebuke, so unlike the kind of condescension he's used to when his mother's lack of blue blood ensures that he'll always be seen as somewhat inferior, compared to those who only carry nobility in their veins.
A man who should place no airs and ostentation, as Lelouch places upon himself airs and ostentation, leaning in. ]
And yet, you haven't refused me.
[ All of this is fine. All of this is what he'd come to expect. ]
Will you allow me to kiss you? Or will you decline?
no subject
...
...this is cute, is what it is. kanon almost, almost laughs. he won't actually do so, as he's well aware that lelouch is not trying to be cute, that he isn't doing this to be laughed at — but it's positively darling that he's come at this from this kind of angle.
such fervor the young prince has! such passion! this is, truly, the kind of desperation only mustered by someone who feels he has nothing to lose, everything to gain, and who would do anything for his cause. it would be admirable if kanon were not the sort of pitiless, empty man who cannot be moved.
laughing softly, kanon moves his hand some more. that finger that just poked lelouch's cheek, that's resting on the side of his face now, and kanon's thumb moves to brush the prince's bottom lip.]
You can kiss me if you want to, Lelouch, but it isn't going to change anything.
[forget the piece of toast, actually. kanon drops it to the ground — if it isn't cleaned up by the gardening staff, it will make a fine meal for the birds — and pulls lelouch in by the waist, as if holding him like a fair maiden to dance. oh, what is a prince to do now that his brother's knight is holding him this close?]
I will, however, greatly enjoy telling Schneizel of how you tried to seduce me. What do you think? He might kiss me all the harder to taste your lips on mine.
no subject
He's standing there, the humiliation smarting, as Kanon singlehandedly takes him on. So much frustration dwells in him in that moment, it's maddening and chafes him as much as it does impresses.
Perhaps that's the worst of it: that he only has the utmost respect for this knave, this charlatan, this Casanova who's cut from the same cloth that Schneizel's made from. Cruelty that can recognize itself as cruelty. Malice not out of misdirection but from thorough honesty. His older brother would choose someone like this to remain at his side, a man who carries himself with all the tantamount weight of noblesse oblige but can spurn him in the same respect as something feral.
Lelouch clutches him about his shoulders. Pulled in by the waist, his face half-cradled, his movements are far less principled than behavior befitting a prince should permit when he steps on that damn piece of toast and shoves Kanon back against one of the rose hedges. ]
Precisely why I'll silence your mouth now.
[ Lelouch is low on the line of succession, but his ego is bloated and insurmountable. And so he brings his mouth to Kanon's and kisses him hard enough that he's certain to taste Schneizel on those lips, which is terrible but irrelevant to his endgame as he pushes up against him.
He prolongs the urgency. For all that Schneizel might surpass him in, thwarting him time and time again, he will never go beyond his despair. Then Lelouch bites Kanon's mouth for the sheer audacity of it, bruising his lips from the pressure alone. ]