The — the fuck! Wh-why would you think it's Souji? I mean, alright, if you assumed it was someone in our friend group, it's not you because I'm telling you, and it sure as fuck isn't Izumi, but Souji — he's — look, it, it could be anybody! I could like someone you don't know! Why would you think...
[a beat.
the fact that atsuro yanagi is blushing beet red for what might possibly be the first time in his and hibiya's five-year friendship isn't helping matters.]
...
Alright, look, yes, it's Souji, but it — please. Don't — tell him or — try to set us up or anything, because he's not... I already know it's a lost cause.
[hibiya looks alarmed for all of five seconds before he too settles down a bit and just. peers straight at atsuro. okay, so, let's not startle the wild atsuro any further... but wow is it weird as hell to see his long-time friend turn red for the first time.]
Well, thank god it's not me, because if this played out like one of those shitty romance stories where someone spills deets to the actual crush and refers to them in third person, I'd probably die. Spontaneous human combustion. Something violent.
But, yeah, uh. I've never been a matchmaker type anyway. And it'd be weird as fuck trying to set you guys up, like I don't even know how the hell I'd do that. Either way, though, the point is you're still kinda fucked up about this, so I'm not going to intervene while you figure out how you feel on these things. Not gonna lie, it is weird hearing this out of the blue now, but clearly you've thought on this stuff for a while and whatever. And...it's not like you've changed fundamentally as a person.
[hibiya shrugs, dress shoes scuffing against the ground as he shifts, still half-processing the implications of all this.]
[atsuro breathes his relief to the mopnlit night, breath coming out a white haze in the cold winter air. he did it. he did it and hibiya didn't react badly.
maybe, just maybe, the same thing might happen with other people.]
Sorry, by the way. For springing this on you. I've wanted to tell you for a long time, 'cause... 'cause of all my friends, you're the only one I could trust to keep it to yourself, but parties like this are the only times we're not all together in one group...
And I'm... really grateful for that, Hibiya. Really, just... thanks.
[good job atsuro, you worked hard. after hibiya's done wrapping his brain around this new development—though he supposes it's not necessarily new, just unknown to him until this moment—he'll be proud of atsuro too. for now though, he just feels a sense of relief now that atsuro's finally spilled what was on his mind, because the way he kept stalling was getting a little annoying. but that's over now. at least atsuro's taken his first step. maybe hibiya ought to feel a little weirder about this, but after all the exposure he's had to izumi's work, this is like nothing.]
Yeah, don't sweat it. I got your back, same way you got mine. [he knows atsuro got a kick out of brawling in their high school years but he also knows that some of the fights atsuro picked were also in retaliation for slights made against other members of their squad. and it had been impressive, sometimes, to see atsuro letting loose, like some awe-inspiring game character.] Or actually, more like different way. I can't exactly beat the shit out of people who try to fuck with you—you do that well enough yourself...
But yeah, 's probably hard to talk about these things when the others are around. My phone's open if you ever need to talk though. I'd rec messaging but it's probably simpler to call if you need anything. [atsuro's cautious enough that hibiya's certain he probably doesn't want to leave a trail when it comes to secrets, whether it's in paper or in texts that could easily be read by others.]
[...]
So, uh. I guess the arbitrary two percent homo joke isn't exactly two percent anymore...
[straight-faced, in the driest tone imaginable:] Yeah. It was really funny when we made those jokes.
I mean, I knew it was probably easier to tell this to you over text or email or something, but... I had to tell you this in person, you know? I mean, I figured if I sent a text saying "I'M GAY" in all caps, you'd think it was a joke.
But yeah, well... I'm not really sure, myself... [sighing for what might be like the fifth time in two minutes, atsuro leans his weight on the balcony with his arms, spreading his palms out against the cold stone railing.] It's just, like... when we talk about girls, I mean... I know some are more attractive than others, that's a given. Something like "Saeko's cuter than Rina" — that's easy for me to say. But if you asked me if there was ever any one girl I really liked, or wanted to date... [a soft, self-deprecating chuckle.] I guess the answer is no? Not that I don't like girls, it's just... I don't like girls...
And... I like... Souji. [there. there, he said it, in all its three-word glory, and saying it really doesn't make him feel any better about it.] I mean, I really couldn't tell you why, he's such a goddamned prick, and he's whiny and self-centered and a lot of the time it feels like he's only nice to us when we're useful to him...
But he's real cute, sometimes, like when he's keeping secrets badly, or you guys are teasing him... [uttered softly, with the barest hint of guilt.] And sometimes, when I'm with other guys, and someone laughs like he does, or has thin wrists like he does, or something, I like that...
...So, yeah, I guess I am really fucking gay after all. [another laugh.] For fuck's sake.
Not gonna lie, I probably would think it's a joke.
[sensing that they're going to be here for some time, hibiya also leans forward onto the railing, but instead of placing his hands on it, he props his elbows up and tilts his head to rest his cheek on a palm.]
Well...least Souji's real about it, instead of getting ridiculously fake like some of our classmates in high school did. I feel more reassured with him telling us to piss off than having some brown noser asking me everything about my life.
[he pauses for a bit, because really, hibiya can't offer much commentary on the notion of souji being cute—hell, it's even kinda weird to him, though when atsuro puts it like that, he thinks maybe he can slightly understand. sort of. or something.]
...Yeah, dude, you sound like you really have it bad. Any thoughts on what you're gonna do? Aside from not say anything to Souji?
I guess this is what I wanted to talk to someone about. [he watches hibiya lean on the railing, struck momentarily by the thought that he's seen hibiya do that before — in their dorm room, in classrooms, fall asleep on his desk sort of like that.]
I've been... obedient. You know. I've been doing everything my parents ask me to — the dojo, the estate, the politics, the handshakes — and it's actually not so bad. I used to hate the idea of being my dad's yes-man, but now it's... okay, I guess? It's actually kind of intoxicating. You meet with representatives, you get them to change their votes, you sabotage them if they don't do what you ask. [he laughs, with less hatred in his voice this time — sharp and boyish, the way he used to.] But at some point, they're gonna ask me to agree to an arranged marriage. That's just something they would do.
...I don't know what to do about that. You know, on the one hand, even that doesn't sound so bad if it means I could save someone from a really shitty arrangement with another spoiled politician's son. I could marry some girl who's maybe never had any freedom of her own — let her do what she wants for once. She could have an affair or something. I could raise a kid that isn't mine. It wouldn't be so bad.
[softly, with his eyes closed:] ...but, you know, going to Souji's wedding... that'd be pretty bad.
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no subject
[so much for secrecy.]
The — the fuck! Wh-why would you think it's Souji? I mean, alright, if you assumed it was someone in our friend group, it's not you because I'm telling you, and it sure as fuck isn't Izumi, but Souji — he's — look, it, it could be anybody! I could like someone you don't know! Why would you think...
[a beat.
the fact that atsuro yanagi is blushing beet red for what might possibly be the first time in his and hibiya's five-year friendship isn't helping matters.]
...
Alright, look, yes, it's Souji, but it — please. Don't — tell him or — try to set us up or anything, because he's not... I already know it's a lost cause.
no subject
Well, thank god it's not me, because if this played out like one of those shitty romance stories where someone spills deets to the actual crush and refers to them in third person, I'd probably die. Spontaneous human combustion. Something violent.
But, yeah, uh. I've never been a matchmaker type anyway. And it'd be weird as fuck trying to set you guys up, like I don't even know how the hell I'd do that. Either way, though, the point is you're still kinda fucked up about this, so I'm not going to intervene while you figure out how you feel on these things. Not gonna lie, it is weird hearing this out of the blue now, but clearly you've thought on this stuff for a while and whatever. And...it's not like you've changed fundamentally as a person.
[hibiya shrugs, dress shoes scuffing against the ground as he shifts, still half-processing the implications of all this.]
no subject
[atsuro breathes his relief to the mopnlit night, breath coming out a white haze in the cold winter air. he did it. he did it and hibiya didn't react badly.
maybe, just maybe, the same thing might happen with other people.]
Sorry, by the way. For springing this on you. I've wanted to tell you for a long time, 'cause... 'cause of all my friends, you're the only one I could trust to keep it to yourself, but parties like this are the only times we're not all together in one group...
And I'm... really grateful for that, Hibiya. Really, just... thanks.
no subject
Yeah, don't sweat it. I got your back, same way you got mine. [he knows atsuro got a kick out of brawling in their high school years but he also knows that some of the fights atsuro picked were also in retaliation for slights made against other members of their squad. and it had been impressive, sometimes, to see atsuro letting loose, like some awe-inspiring game character.] Or actually, more like different way. I can't exactly beat the shit out of people who try to fuck with you—you do that well enough yourself...
But yeah, 's probably hard to talk about these things when the others are around. My phone's open if you ever need to talk though. I'd rec messaging but it's probably simpler to call if you need anything. [atsuro's cautious enough that hibiya's certain he probably doesn't want to leave a trail when it comes to secrets, whether it's in paper or in texts that could easily be read by others.]
[...]
So, uh. I guess the arbitrary two percent homo joke isn't exactly two percent anymore...
no subject
I mean, I knew it was probably easier to tell this to you over text or email or something, but... I had to tell you this in person, you know? I mean, I figured if I sent a text saying "I'M GAY" in all caps, you'd think it was a joke.
But yeah, well... I'm not really sure, myself... [sighing for what might be like the fifth time in two minutes, atsuro leans his weight on the balcony with his arms, spreading his palms out against the cold stone railing.] It's just, like... when we talk about girls, I mean... I know some are more attractive than others, that's a given. Something like "Saeko's cuter than Rina" — that's easy for me to say. But if you asked me if there was ever any one girl I really liked, or wanted to date... [a soft, self-deprecating chuckle.] I guess the answer is no? Not that I don't like girls, it's just... I don't like girls...
And... I like... Souji. [there. there, he said it, in all its three-word glory, and saying it really doesn't make him feel any better about it.] I mean, I really couldn't tell you why, he's such a goddamned prick, and he's whiny and self-centered and a lot of the time it feels like he's only nice to us when we're useful to him...
But he's real cute, sometimes, like when he's keeping secrets badly, or you guys are teasing him... [uttered softly, with the barest hint of guilt.] And sometimes, when I'm with other guys, and someone laughs like he does, or has thin wrists like he does, or something, I like that...
...So, yeah, I guess I am really fucking gay after all. [another laugh.] For fuck's sake.
no subject
[sensing that they're going to be here for some time, hibiya also leans forward onto the railing, but instead of placing his hands on it, he props his elbows up and tilts his head to rest his cheek on a palm.]
Well...least Souji's real about it, instead of getting ridiculously fake like some of our classmates in high school did. I feel more reassured with him telling us to piss off than having some brown noser asking me everything about my life.
[he pauses for a bit, because really, hibiya can't offer much commentary on the notion of souji being cute—hell, it's even kinda weird to him, though when atsuro puts it like that, he thinks maybe he can slightly understand. sort of. or something.]
...Yeah, dude, you sound like you really have it bad. Any thoughts on what you're gonna do? Aside from not say anything to Souji?
no subject
I guess this is what I wanted to talk to someone about. [he watches hibiya lean on the railing, struck momentarily by the thought that he's seen hibiya do that before — in their dorm room, in classrooms, fall asleep on his desk sort of like that.]
I've been... obedient. You know. I've been doing everything my parents ask me to — the dojo, the estate, the politics, the handshakes — and it's actually not so bad. I used to hate the idea of being my dad's yes-man, but now it's... okay, I guess? It's actually kind of intoxicating. You meet with representatives, you get them to change their votes, you sabotage them if they don't do what you ask. [he laughs, with less hatred in his voice this time — sharp and boyish, the way he used to.] But at some point, they're gonna ask me to agree to an arranged marriage. That's just something they would do.
...I don't know what to do about that. You know, on the one hand, even that doesn't sound so bad if it means I could save someone from a really shitty arrangement with another spoiled politician's son. I could marry some girl who's maybe never had any freedom of her own — let her do what she wants for once. She could have an affair or something. I could raise a kid that isn't mine. It wouldn't be so bad.
[softly, with his eyes closed:] ...but, you know, going to Souji's wedding... that'd be pretty bad.